One

Hey guys,
This is my last night in Bella Bella before I spend a few days staging in Victoria and Vancouver on my way to Haiti. I depart from Vancouver at 8:50 AM on Sunday, June 13.

Currently, my clothes are in a giant heap on my couch, I haven't pulled out my trusty rucksack yet, and I have no idea whatsoever where my antimalarial medication has wandered off to. I secretly love pre-travel panic, simply because I know that in a few days time, all the wee decisions that seem so huge now? Will be completely moot.

I'll be left on my own, to fend as best I can with the resources at hand. My own wits and creativity will get me where I need to be (I hope!)

There are a few things I can't imagine traveling without: a headlamp, my trusty AdventureTowel (because we've all read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), and a blank notebook waiting to be filled with all my neurotic, rambling thoughts on my experience of traveling.

Every other time I've traveled, I've gone with a friend, a partner. I'm the first to admit that I'm terrible with logistics; I don't have nearly the patience required to research flights and insurance policies, book accommodations, plan a navigable route. Once I'm on the road, I tend to rely on instinct instead, and be responsive to my surroundings and the roads that open up before me. I won't pretend that's the best approach to travel, but either way, this will be the first time I'm missing a travel companion who can bring the skills I lack to our trip. It'll be a good test.

I'm pretty proud of myself. Small tasks for some of you, maybe, but I did my research and picked an organization that was reputable and shared my values. I found flights at a reasonable fare that will get me where I need to go in the most timely way possible. I've organized all my travel vaccines and medications (with the momentary exception of my missing antimalarial!) and found a travel insurance policy that's suited to my trip. I'm halfway packed, and most importantly, I'm really fucking excited about this.

Not all of you know the background to my decision to go to Haiti. And not all of you care, but if you don't, please let me discourage you now from wasting your time reading this. If you're not interested in my self-reflective drivel, pour yourself a glass of wine, kiss someone beautiful, or do whatever will be a better use of your time! I won't be offended. I won't quiz anyone when I get home to see who read this. I'm doing this for myself, and while I appreciate the amazing support I've received so far...I won't insist. Seriously.

When the earthquake hit Haiti in January, it made me sick, right in my heart, right in my belly, right in the absolute center of me in a way that I couldn't explain or rationalize. I couldn't even watch the news coverage. It just totally broke my heart. Maybe it's just that this was the first time that I pulled my head out of the sand, stopped being a kid, realized that there was a wide world around me full of good people who were hurting. I don't know. Whatever it was, it struck me, hard. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I hung my head and said "I wish there was something I could do."

Then I moved on with my life.

Come March, I was in the middle of research papers and wrapping up my second semester of grad school. (Sorry, Dr. Mitchell, I have to admit Troilus and Criseyde was the driving force here.) Just as a bit of preface, I've never been sure that I wanted to pursue an MA, at least right away, and when I decided to accept the offer of admission to UVic, I did so hesitantly. I've never been sure that it was the best decision at this time in my life, but I've duly devoted myself since enrolling in the program. However, by March, I had realized clearly that academia was of little interest to me.

With all the huge amount of respect due to scholars and academics -- that is not a life I am capable of leading. I'm committed, I'm meaningfully engaged with my research -- but I felt like I'd spent the previous seven months hiding behind a desk, buried in my reading, in an insulated space that had little or no connection to the "real life" that used to exist for me in the wider world. As I struggled with my final paper, I realized I needed to do something to shake myself out of that scholarly sleepiness. I need to wake up.

Those of you who hold me dear and tolerate my quirks know that I sometimes make very impulsive decisions. But you know what? Those impulses have brought a lot of beautiful things into my life. I asked myself what would challenge me, put my mind and body to work in real time, break my heart and mend it again and remind me of why hard work and good energy are critical components of a life well-lived. And I found myself wandering through the labyrinthine internet, looking at opportunities for global volunteerism.

That little seed that was planted in my mind and my heart, amidst the visceral images of rubble and devastation, began to germinate. I paused my academic research for a few days, and turned to an intensive study of different volunteer organizations working in Haiti. In the end, I settled on the Global Volunteer Network, and held off on my Chaucer paper until I'd submitting my pre-screening application.

The turnaround time was fast. I'm not sure Ian knew what to make of the babbling and the happy tears when I burst out of my room and told him I was going to Haiti, somehow, some way. (I hadn't even told him I was thinking of applying!) And mom and dad, if you're reading this: I know it wasn't easy to suddenly hear me talking about this wild idea that had roots only I understood. But you, and Cayce when you were all the way in France, and everyone else -- it means the world to me that you didn't hesitate.

Since I first announced my intentions to my friends and family, the level of love and support I've received has been completely overwhelming to me. I am surrounded by people who have such deep generosity, such strong hearts -- people who amaze me and empower me. You're all wonderful. I couldn't have done this without you.

Please, don't misunderstand me. I will be in Haiti for just two weeks. Two weeks is a remarkably short period of time, when you look back retrospectively. I'm not going to change the world. I'm not going to fix anything. But for two weeks, I am committed to giving myself and all my able body and good energy to any challenge that is presented to me. I am eager to learn, to gain insight into a place and a people that is completely unknown to me. And anyone who has spent time in Koeye will know that two weeks can be more than enough time for good things to happen.

I have always completely believed in the value of traveling. It is one of three components that I think are critical to my profession, my skills, my values and my identity. First, I feel privileged beyond expression to have such a deep connectedness to my homeland and my Heiltsuk culture. My roots and heritage, the ceremonies and traditional practices in which I participate -- they give me great strength. Second, I am grateful for my education, for the opportunity to leave my community for a short time and return with academic training that legitimizes the work I do.

Those two things cannot exist in isolation, and they are completed by a third kind of learning that has been invaluable to me in my life. Travel has presented me with challenges and experiences that offer incredible new insight into my own culture and worldview. I have met many people on many journeys, and learned something from every one of them. Whether it is the educational experience of logistics and navigation in unfamiliar landscapes -- the sheer awe, wonder and curiosity that shape my response to new and wild places -- or the beautiful similarities and beautiful differences that mark my interaction with other people and other cultures -- travel has opened my mind and my heart to new experiences that have helped me to grow as an individual and continually seek bigger challenges and greater insight.

For all of you Heiltsuk kids who have said to me, "I wish I could do something like this": let this be a document that resounds, you can. And you should! And I commit myself to be a resource for you, both personally and professionally, should you desire something like this for yourself.

To everyone who has stepped forward to date, with kind words, donations, support, love, questions, admonitions, high fives...thanks, guys. I still would have done this even if you all thought I was crazy, but I much prefer to get on that first plane tomorrow knowing you'll be holding me in your thoughts with warmth and affection. I'm carrying you with me, wherever I go.

Love,
Jess

PS: To all you inquiring minds, I didn't do too swell on that Chaucer paper. And if anyone sees my fucking antimalarial pills...